A Thousand Words Can't Explain

[Kara Brooks]

Today, I did something that, growing up, I never thought I’d do. And to be honest, it never even occurred to me to be upset because I wouldn’t do it. But today, I did. I stood up in front of a congregation, not once, but twice, and gave a sermon.
Now, this might not seem like a big deal, but let me tell you a bit of my history.
When I was in seventh grade, I participated in my first MSBOA (Michigan School Band and Orchestra Association) Solo & Ensemble competition. My piece was about three minutes long. Despite the fact that I had played the piece so many times that I had it memorized, and I had been hearing the music in my sleep for weeks, I entered the competition room shaking. And then, I proceeded to breathe in exactly once during that three minute piece. According to my father, I turned a nice shade of violet. Unfortunately for my judge, when I was done playing, I burst into hysterical tears.
I didn’t manage to get through a year of Solo & Ensemble without tears until I was a junior in high school.
I don’t remember a single presentation given during my 15 plus years of school where I haven’t gotten points off because I have a tendency to lose the power of speech when I’m supposed to be sharing information with my classmates. I’ve been called introverted, painfully shy, quiet. I’ve been told more times than I can count to stop being afraid of my own shadow, to stand up for myself, to speak up.
Despite that, and probably with more than a few false starts, I’ve spent the last month talking to lots of different people. I’ve found myself being open with people I’ve never met before, and dreaming bigger dreams than I knew I could. And it’s been…not easy, exactly. It’s been challenging in some ways, but in a way that feels great. I find myself smiling so much that I smile at people in Walmart when before I would have looked at my feet. It’s like something in me was just waiting for this.
And today was no different. Okay, yes, there was a moment before I started preaching first service when my mind started racing. But instead of moving into panic attack mode, which is so often my body’s response to stress, my thought was “This isn’t yours, Kara, this is God’s. He’s got this”, and then I was fine.
And yes, I thought to myself during first service “You’re talking too fast”. But, instead of freaking out and talking fast, I slowed down. And I don’t doubt that I turned about eight shades of red, but that seems to be what happens when you have a lack of pigment similar to mine.
By second service, my thoughts had gone from “This isn’t yours, Kara” to “God, this life I have is Yours, any words I speak I speak because of You, let someone see You through me”. And in that prayer, giving the sermon second service was that much easier.
I’ve never felt more strongly in my life that the song that goes “Every step I take I take in You, Lord, You are my way” applied to me. I have felt God’s hand in my life before, certainly, but it’s like I’m finally getting it. It’s like there’s this hand inside my heart, and it’s gently but firmly directing me.
I’ve been saying over and over that I want to be open to every experience, every thought, every dream that God has for me this summer. When I first started saying that, though I didn’t realize it, there was fear. Fear because I was sure that Jesus could never call me to lead His people, but I wanted so badly to hear Him call me anyway. Well, I’m still sure that I’m not worthy for such a call, but as I keep realizing more and more, my life is not my own. I’m not worthy, no, but God can surely use me, and it’s not my job to tell Him that He can’t.
When I started asking that God would leave my heart open to Him, I had no idea what I was praying for. I had literally no idea…but thank GOD He knows what I need better than I do. I can’t describe what’s going on inside my heart right now, nor am I sure I’d want to.
No, I don’t have any words for this yet. I know that there is something in there that could only be called conviction, though. And I know that denying this would be like denying my need for air, or the existence of light. I know that all I can do is pray that God uses my life for His good. And I know that all He wants from me is…well, me.

[Trent Chaffee]

Congratulations on your sermons! That's a big accomplishment.

[bruce metcalf]

our small congregation uses lay people who Pastor has mentored to fill in when he's away and 3 weeks ago was my 3rd attempt!! I can't say I'm not nervious but I do take the responsibility serious !!!I too remember it's God's words not mine that I'm speaking and like you if this is his plan who am I not to follow it !!! Love your last sentence!!! bruce