Responsibility of Depression
Responsibility of Depression
The next step after acknowledging that my depression has been to “make amends,” so to speak, with some dreadfully neglected pieces of my life. In the past few months that I slipped deeper and deeper into the darkness that is depression, I’ve let a few things slide.
Within my body I had neglected some discomfort a few months ago that had led to pain a couple of months ago that had led to numbness and tingling a few weeks ago. That along with the return of the symptoms of depression warranted a trip to my wonderful family doctor. He very gently sent me home with a new plan with meds, a referral for a therapist and one for physical therapy and a return visit to him in 3 weeks.
In my outside responsibilities, it was time to go to the library. I knew I had a bill there. I stopped caring about returning books and it was time to clear that up, as I am a great lover of the library and with school ending, it’s a large part of our summer. I drove to the library shaking. I decided that I would not make up lies and simply own my truth, self-respect be damned. I prayed for strength (to walk into the small town library of everyone knows everyone) and forgiveness (for letting my life get this far out of control). I will forever be grateful for the woman who very discretely handled telling me that my fines were $102, that she’d thought that I must have moved and when I timidly shared the reason for the mess, she smiled and said, “We’re glad to have you back.” I managed “Me too, thank you.” Before I left to call my husband to share the drastic amount of not returning free books for months. I’ll get to his reaction in a moment.
Inside the house I had to do some work with the kids, now, most of their stories I choose to not be public about – this is their story as well and it will be their experience to tell. From my perspective, however, I had a bit of work to do. Chores? What’s that? Clean up after themselves? Was that even an option? Behavioral consequences? Huh? It was clearly time to step back up as their mom. It was a good transition as schools out for summer. I created chore charts, including responsibilities like cleaning up, helping with dinner and personal responsibility. As well as an age appropriate discussion about depression.
In my support system I needed to hang out with my beautiful Girlfriends whom I had been deceiving for months and in many ways avoiding. That was a bit easier as it involved Appleby’s, giggling and sharing recipes for ravioli. It was the first time that I had been with more than two at a time in ages. With my Girlfriends, it isn’t that I need to apologize, it’s that I need to be there to receive their love, laughter and acceptance.
In my appearance I had to admit that my love for denim and hoodies might not have been simply that. It was more a way of hiding. That’s not to say I’ll be giving them up, but I am looking in the mirror in the morning and putting on the reflection of how I am feeling. If that is plain and bulky with no make up, so be it. If it matches and involves eyeliner and lipgloss, it’s a good day.
Then there is my partner in this life, the person with whom I share all of the above from our most precious assets of the children to our lesser important, but still necessary finances. He had every right to be angry about the library fees, after all it was a 100% waste. He was very calm and supportive in his, “We’ll just pay it.” No sighs, no guilt, just this is what we need to do to get better.
My life is very blessed with support, I will take some credit for having fantastic taste in the people that I invite into my life and love. The library was the only true unknown and thank God, she was a blessing on that day. I’m sure other neglected responsibilities will present themselves, but today this is where I am and I am healing and as Dr. Phil (don’t judge me) says, “You can’t fix what you don’t acknowledge.” I wish it were as simple as acknowledge and it’s fixed, but it’s more like “once I see it then I can go about the business of healing it.”
The next step after acknowledging that my depression has been to “make amends,” so to speak, with some dreadfully neglected pieces of my life. In the past few months that I slipped deeper and deeper into the darkness that is depression, I’ve let a few things slide.
Within my body I had neglected some discomfort a few months ago that had led to pain a couple of months ago that had led to numbness and tingling a few weeks ago. That along with the return of the symptoms of depression warranted a trip to my wonderful family doctor. He very gently sent me home with a new plan with meds, a referral for a therapist and one for physical therapy and a return visit to him in 3 weeks.
In my outside responsibilities, it was time to go to the library. I knew I had a bill there. I stopped caring about returning books and it was time to clear that up, as I am a great lover of the library and with school ending, it’s a large part of our summer. I drove to the library shaking. I decided that I would not make up lies and simply own my truth, self-respect be damned. I prayed for strength (to walk into the small town library of everyone knows everyone) and forgiveness (for letting my life get this far out of control). I will forever be grateful for the woman who very discretely handled telling me that my fines were $102, that she’d thought that I must have moved and when I timidly shared the reason for the mess, she smiled and said, “We’re glad to have you back.” I managed “Me too, thank you.” Before I left to call my husband to share the drastic amount of not returning free books for months. I’ll get to his reaction in a moment.
Inside the house I had to do some work with the kids, now, most of their stories I choose to not be public about – this is their story as well and it will be their experience to tell. From my perspective, however, I had a bit of work to do. Chores? What’s that? Clean up after themselves? Was that even an option? Behavioral consequences? Huh? It was clearly time to step back up as their mom. It was a good transition as schools out for summer. I created chore charts, including responsibilities like cleaning up, helping with dinner and personal responsibility. As well as an age appropriate discussion about depression.
In my support system I needed to hang out with my beautiful Girlfriends whom I had been deceiving for months and in many ways avoiding. That was a bit easier as it involved Appleby’s, giggling and sharing recipes for ravioli. It was the first time that I had been with more than two at a time in ages. With my Girlfriends, it isn’t that I need to apologize, it’s that I need to be there to receive their love, laughter and acceptance.
In my appearance I had to admit that my love for denim and hoodies might not have been simply that. It was more a way of hiding. That’s not to say I’ll be giving them up, but I am looking in the mirror in the morning and putting on the reflection of how I am feeling. If that is plain and bulky with no make up, so be it. If it matches and involves eyeliner and lipgloss, it’s a good day.
Then there is my partner in this life, the person with whom I share all of the above from our most precious assets of the children to our lesser important, but still necessary finances. He had every right to be angry about the library fees, after all it was a 100% waste. He was very calm and supportive in his, “We’ll just pay it.” No sighs, no guilt, just this is what we need to do to get better.
My life is very blessed with support, I will take some credit for having fantastic taste in the people that I invite into my life and love. The library was the only true unknown and thank God, she was a blessing on that day. I’m sure other neglected responsibilities will present themselves, but today this is where I am and I am healing and as Dr. Phil (don’t judge me) says, “You can’t fix what you don’t acknowledge.” I wish it were as simple as acknowledge and it’s fixed, but it’s more like “once I see it then I can go about the business of healing it.”
Tags: depression
Comment
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Comment by Chris Bruhn on September 4, 2009 at 9:55am -
Bobbie,
Thank you for sharing. For me, I was taking care of my responsibilities, but I was draining all the energy I had. My wonderful friends helped with my son so I could rest & have the energy to take my son to activities, bake cookies, work on his numbers, etc. My son enjoyed the VBS programs ( I helped at one) & a week-long Bible camp all day that he loved & I got some much needed rest & got things done. Chris
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Comment by Chris Bruhn on August 21, 2009 at 9:43am
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Bonnie,
Thank you for being so open. I have been wondering if an antidepressant is right for me because it didn't help my main symptom of waking at 2 a.m. with tremors or legs moving. I had a normal appetite before this med; now I have to make myself eat & drink water most of the time except I am hungry for a brief time each day, but most foods make my stomach upset. Fresh fruit & veggies, granola bars, & yogurt seem the best.
Yes, I have wonderful support, but I do make a point of still taking my son places & doing things with him. Our family is going on a mini-vacation Saturday.
Prayers & talking to God seem to make a big difference.
Chris
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Comment by Bobbie Steinhauer on July 15, 2009 at 9:11pm -
Thank you Bonnie. I have been giving thought to the idea that it could be in part Satan. I don't know. I was a mental health professional (ironically) and so have a very academic view of depression. I think that Satan is in apathy and I certainly have experienced that. I have found God in many ways in my life and it's up to me to take those blessings and accept them as gifts from God to me, because I am His.
I am blogging through my process, I run a little bit ahead of the blog, so as to get some distance, but it does keep me honest. I have chosen to be open about the process because I know many people who suffer through depression in silence and pain. I am fighting for myself and I must fight as hard as I would for my kids or my husband and that means taking on the depression. I am tremendously blessed to have a support system of friends, family and church family. I'm not willing to hide or lie or pretend anymore.
My process, which I will share more in the blogs as I go has included medication prescribed by my trusted family physician, physical therapy to deal with my much neglected body, therapy with a highly recommended therapist by people that I trust, prayer and Church and a website called www.flylady.net. Not to mention hanging out with friends and blogging (my precious writing). Please continue to read and share. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There are countless numbers of us and it's the depression that isolates us and tears away at our being. Trust God, put one foot in front of the other and find what God has put in your path to steer you down the road to recovery. He wants you to be whole again. Blessings - Bobbie
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Comment by Bonnie Roach on July 15, 2009 at 5:32pm
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Bobbie, It must have been difficult to talk about your depression, and then chart a course of behavior that will get you back into the life you were meant to have. I have suffered from depression all of my adult life, maybe even further back. I didn't know what was happening to me for a long time, and tended to blame those around me for "hurting" me or doing me wrong. Older, working, I had the kind of job in which you had to leave your feelings at the door, a teacher of young children. So I faked it, acting like those around me as well as possible, although I fell short. Socially, and that includes church life, no one seemed to take notice. I was walling myself off, and did not know who I really was. I tried out several life styles, married, became a mother, divorced, 0n and on. It seem only bad things happened to me. I took antidepressants during the worst to get through the many traumatic experiences. My self-confidence crashed, but oh, how easy it is to fool people. I am amazed at how many overlookd me, even professionals or clergy. I began to feel invisible, along with deep guilt over the mess of my life and how my boys were effected. I have no support systems. Later, I began to be somewhat more open about the depression,and mental problems. Either prople didn't care, or didn't believe me! Through this, I do have one life time friend, but I didn't want to burden our relationship. Only lately,do I talked freely. No one understands the pure pain of a depressive soul. I sometimes wonder if there is a battle for me over God and Satan . God will win my eternal life, ultimately, and only through His grace. Medications don't help much, take the edge off only. Another reason to think of evil. There is the company of Apostle Paul and his "thorn" and satan's messinger, and of source.Job's trials are well known. You sound to be younger than me, with children at home. You are right to bring depression out in the open, at least to those who love and depend on you. If someone had confronted me with my depressive life, forced me to get real help, I would be better off now. Thank you for your heartfelt and meaningful notes. God bless, Bonnie
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